Year of the Chicken

Dear Google:

When negotiating with a tyrant, do not insert a dog fetching newspaper written in blood into your logo.

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Also, at Party meetings avoid remarking to the Chinese bureaucrat in front of you that, "If ***holes had wings, this place would be an airport." This statement does not translate into Mandarin picture-words.

The global runway may have more wings than New York to Fort Lauderdale non-stop, but Oslo has a nice airport; and Qantas attendants are friendly when they spray the cabin with pesticides on the final approach to Melbourne. Their laws seem weird to us; but Australian agriculture, like Chinese Communism, is vulnerable to foreign germs.

I just found the Chinese constitution online using your search engine. It was easy.

Article 2. All power in the People's Republic of China belongs to the people. The organs through which the people exercise state power are the National People's Congress and the local people's congresses at different levels. The people administer state affairs and manage economic, cultural and social affairs through various channels and in various ways in accordance with the law.

This Chinese remix of "A Billion Bottles of Beer on the Wall" opens with a "feuertrunken" sample from a bootleg of Beethoven's Ninth and ends like all delicious meals should-with the poetry of fortune cookies. "I'm Feeling Lucky" in "various channels and in various ways."

So congratulations to you and your coooooomrads! How fortuitous that you should win General Tso's Chicken Medal in the Year of the Dog. And, why shouldn't the workers of the world unite? So next CCP National Day, wrap those red letters proudly around an image of the infamous young man standing in front of that brave Chinese tank with its wheels made of Google oooo's.

Alexa O'Brien Alexa O'Brien researches and writes about national security. Her work has been published in VICE News, The Cairo Review of Global Affairs, Guardian UK, Salon, The Daily Beast, and featured on the BBC, PBS Frontline, On The Media, Democracy Now!, and Public Radio International. In 2013, she was shortlisted for the Martha Gellhorn Prize for Journalism in the UK and listed in The Verge 50..
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